Strengths:
This story clearly demonstrates that you have taken a lot of notice of the ways that dystopian authors create suspense by using sensory description and by keeping information from their reader. Your writing is vivid. It is a great start to a larger piece, that introduces setting, character and the problem.
Advice:
Unfortunately, while you demonstrated in lessons that you were confident at using fronted prepositions, noun phrases and adverbials, you seem to have neglected to work many of these into your final piece in the re-drafting phase. Why do you think this is?
Another area for work is your sentence structuring. You tend to run your sentences together, or connect them using commas rather than full-stops. At this stage my advice is for you to be conservative, and when in doubt, make it a complete sentence.
Advanced Advice
One thing that I want to ask is: why did you avoid using any subordinate clauses or relative clauses in your piece? Since you successfully created these in class activities – what do you think it was that stopped you going back to your piece and developing some of the sentences that you’d written?
Here is your original writing with my detailed feedback:
React!