Shafayet's English Journal

Strengths:

This story clearly demonstrates that you have taken a lot of notice of the ways that dystopian authors create suspense by using sensory description and by keeping information from their reader. Your writing is vivid. It is a great start to a larger piece, that introduces setting, character and the problem.

Advice:

Unfortunately, while you demonstrated in lessons that you were confident at using fronted prepositions, noun phrases and adverbials, you seem to have neglected to work many of these into your final piece in the re-drafting phase. Why do you think this is?

Another area for work is your sentence structuring. You tend to run your sentences together, or connect them using commas rather than full-stops. At this stage my advice is for you to be conservative, and when in doubt, make it a complete sentence.

Advanced Advice

One thing that I want to ask is: why did you avoid using any subordinate clauses or relative clauses in your piece? Since you successfully created these in class activities – what do you think it was that stopped you going back to your piece and developing some of the sentences that you’d written?

Here is your original writing with my detailed feedback:

World of norm is about a boy called norm and his life it starts of with norm at nightwants to toilet and he’s goes but forgets he moved houses and he is about to pee in his dad’s wardrobe and his dad wakes up and shout out stop norm then his mom wakes up and says it from Ikea
And that is the begin Of the story

Sir what shall I do now

It was a cold dark day in central London. it wasn’t always like this. I had a feeling something was wrong anyway. Even though he lived in the city, today there was a strange quiet. He noticed the sound of the wind for the first time in years and then it struck him. The streets were deserted. It looked like a land fill it never looks like that normally there is traffic and hundreds of people but today it lookes like a dessert landfill. I started to go to work when a phone call came in from the space intership, they said work was cancelled. Like a alien sign from outer space Beep………… the phone line went as soon I was about to say why? There was something fishy going on so I stepped out and saw evil Robots, I quickly shut the door! I went online and I tried to find out what they were but when I found the page my computer, the computer turned off. I went outside and saw half of the neighbours gone, I snuck  outside and tried to go and get a newspaper and see if there was any thing about this, all it said was the world is NIGH!! I thought to myself what do they mean; I needed help so I went to my  brother’s friend’s house to see if he knew what it was. I knocked at the door… No one answered, I went in, the door slammed shut after me. It was empty and nothing could be seen, all I can see was clothes on the floor, there was an unpleaseant smell which surrounded the entire room. Suddenly there was a noise from upstairs. It got louder and louder, it felt like it was comiing nearer and nearer and nearer……

to be countuied………….

Superman  will be  trapped unless superman flys.

The Audi r8 goes fast because of his 3.5 engine.

It was a bright cold day in April.

the clocks striking thirteen

winston smith’s Puts his effort to escape the vile winds.

his chin nuzzled into his breast.

he slipped quickly though the glass doors of victory mansion.

though not quickly enough to present to a swirl of gritty Dust from entering along with him.

HelloHello my name is Shafayet islam   And I will be writing of what I do in my  lessons and I will be able to answer  questions. I will be updating my blog  and I am going to Put pictures of all my work So you can see what I do I am also in 7w1s and I hope you will like my blog thank  you.

Hello and welcome to your personal online journal.

This platform has been created to enhance and enrich your learning at the London Nautical School. Its purpose is to provide you with an audience for your work (or work-in-progress) and you have the choice (by altering the ‘visibility’ of your posts) of whether your work on here is visible to the world, or only to your teacher.

Anything you post here in the public domain represents you and thus it’s important that you take care with that decision, but don’t be afraid to publish your work – as the feedback you may get from people at home, your peers and people from around the internet is only likely to enhance it.

Remember you can always access your class blog and all manner of resources through the Edutronic.net main website – and by all means check out the sites of your peers to see what they’re getting up to as well.

If you have any questions for me, an excellent way to get an answer is to create a new private post on this journal. I am notified of any new posts and will reply swiftly to any queries.

Make the most of, and enjoy this new freedom in your English learning.

Righto!

Mr Waugh